4 Tactics Mean Girls in Your Family Pull During the Holidays (and EXACTLY How to Show Up Differently This Year)
The holidays are the perfect breeding ground for adult relational aggression, the grown-up version of mean girl behavior. Old family roles get activated. Boundaries blur. And one person’s drama can throw the entire day off. Below are four of the most common tactics mean girls in families use during the holidays plus step-by-step strategies and word-for-word scripts you can use so you don’t freeze up, shrink, or spend the car ride home replaying everything you should have said.
1. The Drama Dropper
What she does: She always brings the chaos. Mood swings, tears, icy silence, or sudden conflict, even after you’ve spent all day tiptoeing around her.
Why she does it: Chaos gives her control. If everyone is managing her feelings, she becomes the center of the day.
How to Show Up Differently
1. Pre-decide your role (so you don’t slip into “fixer”)
Most people get sucked in because they default to childhood roles. Instead, choose your role before you arrive. Say to yourself: “I’m here to enjoy, not to manage.” And if she tries to pull you in: “I care about you but we can’t
2. Don’t match her energy (stay steady, not reactive)
She needs elevated emotion to stay in control. Your power move is calm neutrality. If she’s dramatic, some phrases to use are: “I hear you.” “I’m going to step back for a minute.”
This signals you’re not joining the emotional roller coaster.
3. If she tries to pull you into a scene, stick to one line boundaries.
Long explanations invite more chaos and one line boundaries shut it down without escalation. Try:
“I’m not getting into that today.”
“I’m keeping things light today.”
4. Redirect the room instead of fixing the drama.
If she’s trying to pull the whole group into her storm, you can try redirecting:
“I want to hear what you were saying earlier about…..”
It shifts attention off her without calling anything out.
2. The Exclusion Performer
What she does: She talks openly about holiday outings with the other sisters/sisters-in-law like shopping days and girl dinners like you weren’t even an option.
Why she does it: To reinforce hierarchy. It’s social positioning disguised as small talk.
How to Show Up Differently
1. Don’t shrink or pretend it didn’t sting
You don’t have to act like you don’t care.
2. Use a calm, self-assured redirect
This keeps you grounded and signals you’re not playing the status game. Some scripts to try:
“I’ll let you all chat that sounds like something you already planned together.”
“I’ll excuse myself from this part of the conversation.”
3. The Triangulation Queen
What she does: She stirs the pot by giving each sibling a slightly different version of the same story, always starting with, “Don’t tell them I said this.” And by the time everyone walks in, the room feels tense and no one knows why… except her.
Why she does it: Triangulation keeps her powerful. She becomes the gatekeeper of information.
How to Show Up Differently
1. Refuse the secret-sharing role
You neutralize the entire tactic by opting out.
Script:
“I’ll let her share that with me when she’s/they’re ready.”
2. If she tries to bait you into drama:
“I’d rather hear it from them directly.”
These lines break the triangle immediately and she cannot use your name later to “prove” anything.
4. The “I’m Just Kidding” Sniper
What she does: She tosses subtle digs your way and watches your reaction like a hawk. And if you call it out, she hits you with, “I’m just kidding.” Except she wasn’t.
Why she does it: It’s covert hostility, an insult with built-in deniability.
Want live support?
My Mean Girl Bootcamp is this Tuesday at noon! All guests will be anonymous so no one will be able to tell or know who’s there. Can’t make it? You’ll receive the replay before Thanksgiving.
xo,
Dr. C