What to Say When Your Child Is Told “You Can’t Play With Us”

Few things sting more than hearing your child say, “They told me I couldn’t play with them.” As a parent, your first instinct may be to protect or fix it immediately. But these moments while painful are opportunities to teach your child confidence, assertiveness, and resilience.

What your child is experiencing is a form of relational aggression, where power and belonging are controlled by excluding others. While you can’t stop every unkind moment, you can give your child the tools to handle it in a way that protects their dignity and keeps doors open to new friendships.

Here’s a three step approach you can use, with phrases that help your child stand tall even when others are unkind.

1. Teach Them to Stand Strong

Help your child remember: exclusion says more about the other kids than about them. Give them short, calm comebacks they can use in the moment:

• “That’s kinda mean, don’t you think?”
  This names the behavior so others notice it’s unfair.

• “You don’t get to decide who plays.”
  This asserts a boundary without asking permission.

• “Your loss.”

  This helps them walk away with confidence instead of rejection.

2. Widen Their Circle

Instead of chasing kids who shut them out, teach your child to turn toward new possibilities. A simple phrase can do wonders:

• “Hey [child’s name], want to play tag or soccer?”
  (Giving two choices makes it easier for another child to say yes.)

As a parent, you can also build these bridges outside of school:

• “Hey, I know the kids get along at school, would [child’s name] like to come over and play after school or this weekend?”

This helps your child learn that one child doesn’t get to control their entire social world.

3. Decide When to Step In

Sometimes it helps to calmly involve a teacher or parent. You can model advocacy without making it worse:

• To the teacher:
  “My son told me another child has been encouraging kids not to play with him at recess. I know you can’t force friendships, but I’d love your thoughts on how to make sure he isn’t being singled out.”

• To the other parent (if you choose):
  “Hey, [child’s name] was upset because [other child] told him he couldn’t play. Do you know if there was a misunderstanding we could help them clear up?”

By stepping in thoughtfully, you show your child that even when others are unkind, they aren’t powerless. They can choose new friends, speak up, and carry themselves with confidence. And when kids learn these skills young, they don’t just survive playground politics, they grow into adults who know how to handle exclusion, set boundaries, and stand tall in any relationship.

Have a specific question related to this topic? Head to The Lounge and ask away! Others can chime in for support & I’ll get back to you with tailored responses and tips.

xo,

Dr. C