What to say when family relationships get personal (without making things awkward)

When a sister-in-law or relative openly expresses dislike whether through a group chat or in subtle digs, it’s tempting to confront or retreat. But in family dynamics, walking away isn’t always an option. Here’s how to protect your peace without making every gathering awkward.

Separate “family role” from “friend role”

It’s painful when family doesn’t treat you like a friend. But not everyone will and that’s okay. Here’s the truth though, you don’t need her/their approval to belong in your family. Civil is enough. You can show up, hold your dignity, and leave knowing you stayed steady and that matters more than letting her get to you. 

Tell yourself: 

“I don’t need her/their approval to play your role in the family, I belong here too. I can be respectful without forcing closeness.” 

Respond to tension with neutrality

If you see, hear, receive hurtful comments or feel excluded try one of these scripts:

-Script 1 (defusing): “Okay. See you at the next family get-together."

This keeps it neutral and ends the exchange without adding fuel. 

-Script 2 (boundary): “Let’s keep things respectful.” Or “Let’s keep things light.” Then disengage by changing the conversation or excusing yourself. 

This holds the line without escalating into an argument. 

-Script 3 (reframe): “That feels more personal than I want this to be.” 

This names what’s going on without aggression, draws a clean line, and signals you get to decide how deep the conversation goes. It’s disarming because it’s calm but clear and it stops them without giving them material to push back on. 

Stay civil without overcompensating

Trying too hard to win someone over often backfires. Instead, try this: 

-Greet them respectfully.

-Keep conversations short and neutral.

-Focus instead on people who do make you feel valued.

Know when to pull back

Exclusion or dislike doesn’t need to always be confronted head on. Sometimes the healthiest choice is to step back but how do you know when it’s time? 

-If every interaction leaves you drained. 

-You’ve addressed the issue once and nothing has changed. 

-Disrespect shows up publicly (in chats, on social media, or in front of others). 

-Efforts to connect are consistently met with coldness or hostility. 

You don’t have to cut ties to pull back, instead: 

-Stop initiating 1:1 plans.

-Keep interactions brief at gatherings. Say hello ("Hi, nice to see you”) then redirect your focus onto someone or something else. 

-Put your attention on family members who reciprocate warmth. 

-Let your partner bridge where needed, instead of carrying the whole relationship yourself. 

Think of it this way: every time you rehash their comments in your head, you give them more power than they deserve. Pulling back isn’t about being cold, it’s about choosing not to make them the main character in your story. 

Your takeaway: 

Family dislike can sting, but you don’t have to carry the weight of fixing it. Your role is to stay civil, assert boundaries, and shift your energy toward people who reciprocate. And your reminder that awkwardness isn’t failure, it’s just unused space you don’t have to fill. The more you practice letting silence or tension be what it is, the less power it has over you. 

Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away, others can chime in and I’ll get to you with tailored suggestions.

Xo,

Dr. C