The Invisible Weight of Being the “Mom Friend” (and How to Share the Load)
If you read my recent feature in SELF magazine, you know how often the “mom” role shows up in friend groups. It’s the person making the plans real, remembering birthdays, and smoothing tension when things get rocky. And while that role keeps friendships alive, it can also lead to burnout if it’s always on one person’s shoulders.
Why the “Mom Friend” Role Matters
They provide structure: the reason “we should hang” actually turns into a date, time, and place.
They provide emotional safety: checking in when someone’s quiet, making sure no one feels left out.
They keep the group connected: without them, things fizzle out under the weight of busy schedules.
Why It’s Exhausting
The catch? This role is often invisible labor. When plans run smoothly, others assume it “just happened,” not realizing someone coordinated calendars, booked the reservation, or sent the reminders. That unseen work leaves the “mom” friend drained and sometimes unappreciated.
The Risk of Burnout
When one person carries the mental load of holding friendships together, resentment builds. They feel responsible for everyone else’s fun while their own needs for care and reciprocity get overlooked. Over time, that can cause distance or even withdrawal from the group.
How to Share the Load Without Drama
Here are three phrases you can use if you’re the “mom friend” and want to invite others to step in:
Rotate the role:
“I planned the last one, who wants to take the lead on the next get together?”
Make the ask directly:
“Could you book the spot this time? I’ll handle the reminder texts.”
Step back with humor:
“I’m officially off-duty for this/next round. Someone else’s turn!
These small shifts give your friends a chance to rise to the occasion while showing you trust them to keep the group going.
How Friends Can Show Appreciation
If you’re not the “mom friend,” here’s how to make sure your planner doesn’t burn out:
Name it: “Thanks for organizing, I know that takes effort.”
Share the work: Offer to book the restaurant, send reminders, or host.
Check in emotionally: Ask them how they are doing, not just rely on them to keep everyone else afloat.
Your final takeaway:
The “mom” friend is the glue, but glue needs care too. If you’re tired of carrying the whole friendship on your back, try a few of the shifts above, like rotating the role, asking directly, or stepping back with humor, so you’re not carrying the whole group on your own. Friendships are strongest when everyone takes a turn.
Have a specific scenario you’re struggling with related to this topic? Head to The Lounge and chime away, others can jump in to offer their feedback & I’ll get back to you with tailored suggestions.
xo,
Dr. C