How mean girl baiting works & how not to fall for it

You’ve probably been in a conversation that felt normal until all of a sudden it didn’t. At first you thought it was harmless, that you were even excited that you were bonding and connecting perhaps with someone new. But then out of nowhere, she says something like, “Do you think she’s fake?” or “ Be honest, what do you think about her? referring to someone that wasn’t there. And in that moment you pause because you know that something feels slightly off, but you respond anyways because ignoring her would be rude. Maybe you say something neutral like, “I don’t know her well enough” because it feels safe and reasonable but later that becomes: “Do you know what she said about you?” Now what she said is gone, and somehow it’s all about what you said. It was never a real question though, she was just baiting you to say something, so she could use it against you later on.

Now not every question is a setup but some are. Sometimes people really are trying to process something out loud, genuinely ask you for your perspective, or trying to make sense of a situation. And in those case’s there’s no hidden agenda. But here’s when it can be baiting:

-The question feels loaded (like it’s steering you toward a negative answer)

-They bring up people who aren’t there consistently

-Things you’ve said come back around differently

-You answer but she never actually shares her opinion

A simple way to tell in the moment is to ask yourself:

“Do I feel safe answering this honestly?”

If the answer is no or that there’s hesitation, that’s your information because that means your body is picking up on something that your brain hasn’t fully processed. This matters because if you assume every question is harmless, you end up answering things that were never safe to answer. Now on the flip side if you think that everything is malicious, you can then become guarded in ways that push people away. Your goal isn’t to overcorrect, it’s to notice when a conversation is actually safe and mutual vs. when it’s putting you in a position to be used against you. So instead of asking yourself:

“Am I overthinking this?”

tell yourself:

“Is this a safe conversation to step into?”

Now here’s what to say:

One of my favorite strategies to do is to shift the focus back on them. You can try saying something like,

option 1: “Did something happen?”

option 2: “Are you not sure?”

option 3: “Have you talked to her about it?”

option 4: “No spoilers, I'll let her share that with me when she’s ready”

option 5: “I haven’t noticed that.” Then change the subject.

Your Final Takeaway:

Once you see it, you stop answering the same way! And in this case, stop letting her pull your friends away from you. Have a specific question or dealing with something specific? Head to Dear Dr. C and ask your question away, and I'll get back to you with tailored scripts and tips. Prefer to chat 1:1? Head to the book a session tab above and members get 10% off with code: Member.

xo,

Dr. C