Why making friends as an adult feels so hard (and what to do about it)

Most people assume that friendships just happen, that the right people will fall into our lives if we’re kind enough, outgoing enough, or lucky enough. The thing with friendship though it isn’t luck. It’s a skill that you can learn and practice, no matter your age or life stage. So if you’ve caught yourself thinking, “maybe I’m just bad at friendships,” or that “I’m too late," I want to stop you right there because it’s not too late and you’re not failing. Meaningful friendships are absolutely possible when you know what steps to take. 

I know, making friends as an adult feels harder than it should and here’s a few reasons why: 

1. Life transitions keep shaking the snow globe

Every 5–7 years, we have major changes, moves, marriages, kids, job shifts that all reshuffle your circle. The people you saw daily fade out, and you’re left needing to rebuild. That’s normal, not personal.

2. Our social muscles get out of practice

When you’re younger, built-in structures (classes, dorms, sports teams) create automatic opportunities for closeness. As adults, those structures disappear, and unless you intentionally practice, small talk and connection can feel like foreign languages.

3. Time is scarce and energy even scarcer

Between careers, family, and everyday demands, free time is limited. By default, many adults put friendships last on the priority list. The result? You feel like you’re starting from zero, even when you’re surrounded by people.

4. Old friendship wounds creep in

If you’ve been burned by gossip, exclusion, or flaky friends, your brain remembers. Those experiences can make you guarded, hesitant, or convinced it’s “not worth it.” Without realizing it, you start self-protecting in ways that block new closeness.

5. Nobody ever taught us how to make friends

We were never taught how to find aligned people, how to set boundaries, or how to move from small talk to real connection. That’s why “just say hi more” feels like a cruel joke. We need strategy, not wishful thinking.

Here’s the Secret Shift: Go First

Most people are waiting, waiting for someone else to text first, invite first, or show interest first. But waiting keeps you stuck. The real shift? You go first . That means you:

• Initiate once, then pause to see who meets you halfway.

• Share pieces of yourself so people can actually know you.

• Stop overfunctioning for those who drain you, and reinvest in people who show effort.

Going first doesn’t mean being desperate, it means being intentional. It’s how you filter the right people in and the wrong people out. 

So head to your member’s only library, inside you’ll now find my new guide: Go First: Your 6-Week Roadmap to Making & Finding the Right Friends (included with your membership). Over six weeks, you’ll practice getting clear on what you want in a friend, putting yourself in the right places, moving past small talk, and noticing who truly reciprocates. Each week gives you a small, manageable step so instead of feeling overwhelmed, you’re building confidence and skills gradually. By the end, you’ll have a clearer sense of how to create connections that actually last. 

And if you have any questions after reading, just head to The Lounge and ask away, others can chime in for support and I can offer you tailored suggestions. 

Xo,
Dr. C