4 Ways to Tell if You’re a Fringe Friend or They’re a Mean Girl
If you’ve ever walked away from a friendship feeling invisible and wondering, “Was that on purpose… or just in my head?”, it’s not just you! Both fringe friend dynamics and mean girl behavior hurt but they come from different places.
Fringe Friend: Your presence is under-prioritized because you’ve slipped into the listener/support role.
Mean Girl: The exclusion is deliberate, meant to diminish, dismiss, or socially erase you.
The way you respond should be completely different. Here’s how to spot the difference and what you can test in the moment.
You’re Excluded
Fringe Friend: You stopped initiating plans, so they simply filled their calendar without you. They assume you’re fine not being included because you’ve been “the easy friend.”
Mean Girl: They make plans without you on purpose, often making sure you hear about them.
During Conversations
Fringe Friend: They rarely ask about you because they’re used to you being the listener — but when you do share, they’ll let you talk.
Mean Girl: They cut you off, change the subject, or pretend you never spoke.
In Groups
Fringe Friend: They’ll spend time with you 1:1 if it’s convenient or last-minute, but you’re not their first choice for big plans.
Mean Girl: They’ll be warm in private, but in a group, they’ll act like they barely know you.
Here are 4 Quick “Tests” You Can Use in Real Time
These are small, low-pressure ways to see if what’s happening is a habit or a hierarchy move.
Test 1: The Follow-Up Test
What to do: Share a short, specific update about yourself.
Something like: “I finally tried that new restaurant last night.”
Fringe Friend: Responds or relates it to themselves.
Mean Girl: Ignores it or changes the subject.
Test 2: The Open Loop Test
What to do: Start a story but pause halfway.
Something like: “Remind me to tell you what happened with my neighbor…”
Fringe Friend: Circles back later to hear the rest.
Mean Girl: Never brings it up again.
Test 3: The Direct Ask Test
What to do: Ask permission to share.
“Want to hear what happened?” or “Can I tell you something funny?”
Fringe Friend: Says yes and listens.
Mean Girl: Gives a vague “uh-huh” and redirects.
Test 4: The Group Spotlight Test
What to do: Join a group conversation.
Fringe Friend: Acknowledges you when you speak.
Mean Girl: Talks over you, interrupts, or shifts eye contact so others follow their lead in ignoring you.
Before You Label It Mean Girl Behavior…
Some people aren’t being intentional — they might be:
Neurodivergent (e.g., ADHD, Autism) and struggle with conversational reciprocity.
Overwhelmed or distracted by life stressors.
Low in social awareness but not malicious.
To rule this out, try:
Ask directly but casually:
“Hey, did you catch what I just said?”
“I feel like I’ve been talking over you, was that your experience too?”Check patterns, not one-offs:
Is this every interaction, or just when they’re stressed or distracted?
Does it happen in different settings, or just certain ones?
Shift your role temporarily:
Ask a question early in the hangout instead of defaulting to listener mode.
Notice if they engage more when you lead with a story or opinion.
Your final takeaway:
Both fringe friend habits and mean girl tactics can leave you feeling small but when you know which one you’re facing, you can decide whether to reset the dynamic or walk away entirely.
If you want more tips or scripts, head to your library and read these guides: Fringe Friend No More, Mean Girls, and The Friendship Audit. They’re packed with dozens of strategies I teach in my coaching sessions and they’re already waiting for you in your library.
Or, head to the community forum and ask away. I’ll reply personally, and other members can chime in too with their own support and tips.
Xo,
Dr. C