4 Signs Your Friendship Only Works Because You’re the One Keeping It Going

You shouldn’t have to chase connection to feel connected. But in some friendships, it slowly starts to feel like you’re the one doing all the work, texting first, planning everything, holding space, and wondering why it feels so unbalanced. If you’ve ever walked away from a hangout feeling tired instead of supported, this might be why. 

Let’s break down four signs you might be carrying the friendship and exactly what to do about it.

1. You’re always the one reaching out and making plans.

If you stop texting, you stop talking, simple as that. At first, you gave them the benefit of the doubt: they’re probably just busy. But over time, the pattern becomes harder to ignore, the friendship only moves forward when you’re the one behind the wheel. 

Quick check: If you stopped texting today, would this friendship pause or end? 

Here’s what to do: 

If you’d like to shift the dynamic you can try a low-pressure check in script like: 

“Hey, I’ve missed catching up. Want to plan something, if you’re up for it?” 

Or you can also let the silence stretch, not to be passive aggressive but to collect data. See if they reach back out and if they don’t, it’s information. You can check in if it’s been a few weeks (2–4), and the pause feels unresolved or emotionally charged, it’s okay to gently check in. And you can try something like: 

“Hey, I’ve been thinking about you and noticed it’s been a little while. I wasn’t sure if things have just been full or if something’s shifted, but I care about our friendship and wanted to check in.”

2. When you’re together, they mostly talk about themselves.

You leave feeling like a great listener and for a while, that felt like enough. They can talk for hours, but barely ask how you are. You tell yourself they just needed to vent but eventually, the imbalance becomes emotional burnout. You become the audience, not a participant. 

Quick check: When was the last time they asked how you were unprompted?

Here’s what to do and how to shift the dynamic:

“Wait, I actually want to share something with you first.”

or

“Thanks for opening up about all that. Can I share something I’ve been sitting with too?”

This simple redirect helps rebalance the space without confrontation. 

3. Everything they know about your life is from social media.

They haven’t asked but they’ve watched. They comment on your vacation, your doctor’s appointment, your job yet never reached out to ask how it went. You start realizing: they don’t actually know you, they just follow you. 

Quick check: Are they curious about you or just keeping up with your highlight reel? 

Before automatically sharing updates, pause and see if they’re genuinely curious. And ask:

“How real do you want me to be right now, light life updates or the full download?”

or

“Is now a good time to fully chat?”

4. When you stop initiating, the friendship fades until they casually check in.

They didn’t ask how you were, they just said, “Hey, haven’t heard from you!”Not because they missed you but because they noticed the loss of your labor. 

Quick check: When they finally reach out, are they checking in on you or on the status of the friendship? You can call it out with warmth and self-respect. You can use a script like: 

“Yeah, I noticed that too. I wasn’t sure if you’d been swamped or just in a different season.”

And here’s to reset the dynamic without burning bridges if you’ve noticed yourself overfunctioning in the friendship: 

1. Stop auto-initiating.

Let the silence speak. Let them feel the gap your effort used to fill.

2. Don’t over-explain.

If they reach out, you don’t need to catch them up on everything they missed. Share what feels right not everything by default. This gives them the opportunity to also ask about you. 

3. Mirror their level of effort.

Match their tone, length, and emotional depth. Stop over-giving to compensate for what they won’t offer.

Here’s a challenge for you to try:

-Journal the last time a friend checked in on you without you initiating contact. 

-Try a 10-day pause and don’t reach out with one friendship you’ve noticed yourself overfunctioning in. Just observe and see if they notice and how you felt about it. 

Your final takeaway: 

These aren’t games, they’re boundaries. You’re not being cold, you’re being intentional. You’re allowed to want connection that feels mutual. You’re allowed to pull back when it’s always you doing the heavy lifting. You’re allowed to stop chasing people who wouldn’t notice if you didn’t post about it. Friendship doesn’t have to be perfectly 50/50 all the time but if it’s always you doing 80 and them 20, it’s time to shift how you’re showing up. 

Have a specific question? Head to the forum and ask away, I’ll reply back with tailored support. 

Xo,

Dr. C