How to tell if they’re status checking or genuinely trying to connect

You’ve been there, someone asks you a question about your life, your kids, your job, and something feels off. The tone is polite, the words seem harmless, but something underneath feels like a test.

“Did you guys go anywhere this summer?”

“Are your kids in any camps?”

“Wait, you’ve never been there?”

And you’re left wondering, are they just making conversation or quietly keeping competing with you? This is where status checking sneaks in, and it’s not always about the question itself, it’s about the tone, timing, and the intent that makes it feel different.

• For timing, they ask after something already happened or right before an event is going to happen so your answer won’t change the outcome. It’s not really to connect, it’s to observe. 

• For tone, there’s a slight pause, smirk, or overly casual vibe like they already know your answer, or hope it confirms what they believe. 

• For Intent, you feel like the question was asked to get something out of you, not to get to know you. 

• It feels like you’re being interviewed, not invited. You’re on the defensive, even though nothing offensive was said. You feel a subtle pressure to perform, explain, or measure up, and there’s no emotional curiosity, it’s just social surveillance. A genuine question invites you in. A status check puts you on the stage. 

What Is Status Checking?

Status checking is when someone asks a question or makes a comment that looks like curiosity, but is actually meant to compare, rank, or subtly remind you of your place. It’s not about connection, it’s about quiet competition. And it’s easy to miss because it’s often wrapped in casual friendliness or faux concern.

So How Do You Tell the Difference?

Here’s what to look for:

1. True Connection Asks → Then Lingers

Genuine people ask follow-up questions. They listen, engage, and stay with your answer.

Status checkers?

They ask, then instantly pivot to their own story or drop their “win.”

Them: “Did you go anywhere this summer?”

→ You answer.

→ They immediately respond with, “We did Italy for two weeks. It was amazing. We always go this time of year…”

That wasn’t connection, that was bait.

2. True Connection Feels Mutual

You feel seen, not scanned.

Ask yourself:

• Do they ever share something vulnerable or real?

• Do they ask about your experience, not just the data?

If it always feels like an audit, where you’re explaining, defending, or proving, it’s not connection, it’s comparison.

3. Status Checkers Use Loaded or Blanket Questions

They ask vague but strategic things like:

• “Do your kids do anything outside of school?”

• “Are you working these days?”

• “Did you get invited to that thing?”

And they ask with just enough tone to make you question your choices or your worth.

4. Connection Feels Safe. Status Checking Feels Like a Scan.

You leave true connection feeling warmer, lighter, understood. You leave a status check conversation feeling like you were low-key being measured. Your body knows, trust the drop in your stomach.

Here’s how you can spot the pattern, not just the question

Anyone can ask a one-off weird question. What matters is the pattern.

-Do they ever cheer you on when it’s not about them?

-Do they only reach out to ask what you’re doing, never how you’re doing?

-Do you feel like you’re being scanned instead of seen?

If yes, then you’re picking up on relational power dynamics.

Your takeaway: 

Mean girls don’t always exclude you with silence. Sometimes, they do it with a smile and a question. But connection and comparison can’t coexist. The more grounded you are in your worth, the easier it becomes to tell who’s really trying to know you and who’s just trying to rank you.

Have a specific question? Head to the forum and ask a specific question and I’ll reply with tailored support. 

Xo,

Dr. C