How to Stop Overgiving Without Becoming Cold, Part 2
You’ve heard it before: “Give without expecting anything in return.” But what happens when you keep giving and giving, and the return is silence, surface-level effort, or last-minute replies? What happens when you’re doing 90% of the emotional labor in your friendships or relationships? Here’s the truth though overgiving isn’t always generosity, it’s often anxiety, it’s often guilt, it’s often a pattern you learned early on, that being helpful, easy, or low-maintenance kept you emotionally safe but that pattern eventually becomes exhausting. And it doesn’t build closeness, it builds imbalance. The more you over-function, the more others under-function. So, how do you pull back without shutting down? How do you stop overgiving without turning into someone cold or bitter? Let’s break it down:
1. Understand: Kindness ≠ Self-Sacrifice
There’s a difference between being kind and being constantly available.
There’s a difference between being warm and being boundaryless.
Kindness with limits is what earns long-term respect.
It doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you trustworthy. It tells people: I’ll be there when I can, but I’m not a vending machine for emotional labor.
Tell yourself: You can be generous without giving more than you have.
2. Use the Pause Rule Before You Say Yes
This one’s simple but powerful. Before saying yes to a favor, emotional support request, or another plan you’re not sure about, pause and ask:
Would I still say yes if I knew they wouldn’t return the favor?
Will this drain me or energize me?
If I say yes, will I feel resentful later?
If the answer makes you pause, pause longer. Try saying:
“I’d love to help, but I can’t commit to that right now.”
or
“I want to be there for you, but I need a little time to recharge this week.”
This protects your kindness from becoming self-erasure.
3. Mirror Their Effort, Not Their Excuses
If you’re doing 90% of the emotional lifting, start practicing this phrase with yourself:
“I’m matching their energy, not to be petty, but to be fair.”
Instead of reaching out over and over to someone who’s inconsistent, try holding back and observing. When you stop initiating:
Do they notice?
Do they step in or vanish?
The answer is never a punishment, it’s information. It’s also where you start resetting the rhythm of the relationship, less as the overgiver, and more as someone who invites mutuality.
4. Let Others Rise: Ask, Don’t Always Offer
When you overgive, others stop seeing the opportunity to give back. They may assume you don’t need support or you always have it together. That’s isolating. So instead of offering help or emotional availability every time, try:
“Can I run something by you? I’d love your thoughts.”
“I’ve been handling a lot lately. Mind checking in on me next week?”
This models healthy vulnerability. It also builds the kind of friendship that’s not about debt but about connection.
Your final takeaway: You Don’t Need to Give More to Be Loved
You need to give in a way that feels good and sustainable. Pulling back isn’t punishing someone. It’s showing up for yourself. And when you show up with boundaries, the right people meet you there, not because you overextend, but because you’re emotionally present and self-respecting. So no, you don’t need to stop being kind. You just need to stop confusing overgiving with being a good person.
Have a question about overgiving or have a specific question about friendships? Head to the forum and ask away and I’ll reply with a tailored response.
Xo,
Dr. C