How to Handle Toy Sharing (Without Teaching Your Child to Be a People Pleaser)
One of the trickiest parenting moments happens at playdates when the kids aren’t sharing fairly, someone’s toy gets snatched, or the other parent doesn’t step in. You want your child to be kind and flexible, but not the one who always gives in. Because when we tell a child, “It’s their house,” or “They’re just younger,” we often think we’re keeping the peace but we’re actually sending a subtle message: “Your feelings don’t matter as much as avoiding conflict.” And that’s exactly how people-pleasing starts.
The Real Lesson in Sharing
Sharing isn’t about always giving up what you love, it’s about fair turns and respect. If you want your child to grow up confident and kind, they need to know it’s okay to say no while still being polite.
What to Teach Your Child to Say
When another child grabs their toy or interrupts their play, instead of freezing or yelling, give them short, strong phrases they can actually remember:
“I’m not done with that yet.”
“I’m still playing with that.”
“I’ll give it to you when I’m finished.”
These calm, clear sentences teach boundaries and self-respect, the foundation of assertiveness.
When Another Child Takes the Toy Out of Their Hands
This is where it gets tough. If another child grabs the toy right out of your child’s hands, your instinct might be to say nothing, especially if you’re at the other child’s house. But silence teaches your child that someone can take from them and adults will just let it happen. Instead, step in gently but firmly:
“Oops, [your child’s name] was still playing with that. We’ll switch in a minute.”
“Hold on, it’s [your child’s name]’s turn still. Your turn is next in one minute.”
Then turn to your child and validate:
“That surprised you, huh? You were still playing. It’s okay to feel upset, someone took it out of your hands.”
And make sure to teach them their line for next time:
“I wasn’t done yet.”
“It’s still my turn, you can have it next.”
This moment matters more than you think. It teaches your child that their boundaries are worth protecting and that you’ll step in when something isn’t fair.
When a Younger Child Destroys What They Built
If your older child builds something and a younger child wrecks it, it’s natural to want to say, “They’re just little.” But when you do that, your child hears:
“Only the peace matters, not your hard work.”
Instead, acknowledge what happened:
“I saw that, that was frustrating. You worked really hard on that.”
“It’s okay to be upset. You don’t have to pretend it’s fine.”
Then model calm leadership with the younger child:
“Uh oh, let’s make sure we don’t knock down what they’re building. They worked really hard on that.”
You’re showing your child it’s possible to stay kind and still protect what’s theirs.
Here’s how to Step In as a Parent (Without Awkwardness)
Even if the other parent isn’t intervening, you can without sounding judgmental:
“Let’s give them one minute to finish with that toy. Then it’s your turn.”
You’re modeling assertiveness, clear, calm, and kind, and your child is watching how you do it.
Why This Matters
When children are told to give in “to be nice,” they start to equate kindness with shrinking.
But when they learn that fairness includes their feelings too, they grow up into confident, respectful adults who don’t over apologize or over accommodate. The goal isn’t to raise a child who never shares, it’s to raise a child who knows that sharing and self respect can exist at the same time.
Try This This Week
Talk about these moments outside of the heat of playdates:
“What can you say if someone takes your toy before you’re done?”
“What does a kind ‘no’ sound like?”
“What does fair sharing look like?”
The more you practice at home, the easier it becomes for your child to speak up confidently in real time.
Parent Reflection
Ask yourself:
Do I protect the peace more than I protect my child’s feelings?
When I step in, am I modeling calm strength or over accommodation?
What message do I want my child to remember, “Be nice no matter what” or “Be kind without losing yourself”?
Because every “small” moment of toy sharing is actually a first lesson in boundaries and the foundation of raising a confident, kind, and self-respecting child.
Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge, and ask away, I'll get back to you within 24 hours.
xo,
Dr. C