What the Flying Monkeys Do When You Pull Back From a Mean Girl Narcissist
When you pull back from a mean girl narcissist, when you stop engaging, defending yourself, or trying to fix things, she feels the loss of control immediately. But instead of reaching out herself, she sends others to do it for her. They’re the ones who suddenly “check in,” play peacemaker, or casually drop her name in conversation. Some of them don’t even realize they’re being used; they think they’re helping. Others enjoy the front row seats to the drama. Either way, they serve the same purpose: keeping you emotionally hooked while protecting her image. And the hardest part? It doesn’t look like gossip, it looks like concern, friendship, or just checking in. Here’s what that looks like (and how to respond).
The sudden check-in
Out of nowhere, someone who’s never texted you before pops up:
“Hey! What happened?”
“It’s been forever, we should hangout!”
It seems nice but it’s not about reconnection, it’s information-gathering. They want to see if you’re angry, hurt, or venting. If you don’t want it going back to her, say nothing personal. Keep it short and neutral like:
“All is fine, I’ve just been keeping to myself lately.” That’s it. There’s no story, no tone to analyze, nothing to repeat. Every word you give can be turned into a headline. Silence is the only language she can’t spin.
And if you’re genuinely trying to figure out whether someone’s genuinely concerned or acting as her messenger, pay attention to what happens next. Someone who truly cares will try to connect with you directly, they’ll ask about you, not her. They’ll want to grab coffee, catch up, or check in without mentioning her name at all. A flying monkey on the other hand keeps steering the conversation back to her. What she said, how she feels, or what she’s worried about. It’s not connection, it’s collection.
The guilt-trip disguised as concern
Sometimes you’re not pulling away because of a blow-up, you’re just done feeling uneasy around her energy.
You’ve noticed she twists words, pits people against each other, or stirs gossip. And when you stop engaging, the flying monkeys appear with lines like: “She’s confused, she doesn’t know what happened,” or “You two were so close!” If nothing “happened,” you don’t owe an explanation but staying silent can look defensive. So give a warm, non-defensive truth that keeps the focus on peace, not blame, try something like:
“There’s no big story, I just haven’t overlapped with her much lately.” This closes the loop without gossip. You sound calm and self-directed, not bitter or avoidant.
The provoker
When subtle tactics fail, some flying monkeys will try to provoke you. They might bring up the narcissist’s name to watch your reaction: “Oh, she said something funny about you the other night…” or, “She was really upset you should’ve seen her.” They’re not looking for understanding; they’re looking for a spark. If you take the bait, it confirms her story that you’re emotional or dramatic. Instead say:
“How were you hoping i’d respond to that?” Or….
“I don’t really have a reaction for that.”
Then pause and don’t fill the silence, let them feel it. This works because you shift the discomfort back to where it belongs. You’re calm, composed, and the moment ends on your terms, not hers.
The freeze-out
Once it’s clear you’re not feeding the drama, invites may stop and the group chat goes quiet. It’s not punishment, it’s proof the narrative lost momentum. When you stop being entertaining, they move on to their next storyline. Their silence is closure. You didn’t lose friends; you outgrew a system that required you to keep explaining yourself.
Your final takeaway:
Flying monkeys don’t always realize what they’re doing but when you stop reacting, defending, or clarifying, the gossip machine loses power. You don’t have to prove who’s right. You just have to make your peace louder than their noise by staying consistent, steady, and impossible to provoke.
Dealing with a mean girl narcissist or flying monkeys? Ask your question in The Lounge and others may chime in with support & I’ll get back to you with tailored suggestions within 24 hours.
xo,
Dr. C